Sakuya versus Deadpool
by InsaneBird91
Summary: The Elegant Maid faces The Merc with a Mouth in an epic battle


Sakuya vs. Deadpool

It is morning and Sakuya just woke up from her sweet dream. Sakuya changed into her maid clothes, and is ready to see her mistress. Remilia is sitting at a table while waiting for Sakuya. And then Sakuya showed up.

"Greetings my mistress, what can I serve you today?" Sakuya asked.

"I would like a bowl of Count Chocula. WITH BLOOD!" said Remilia.

"One bowl of Count Chocula with blood coming up!" but before Sakuya could get Remilia's breakfast, things suddenly turned all dark. "What happened to the lights?" Sakuya asked.

Suddenly, Sakuya and Remilia started hearing noises, such as things breaking, slashing noises, screams of the other Scarlet Mansion residents, and shot gun noises. Suddenly, Remilia screamed as if she was being kidnapped by someone.

"My Mistress, what just happened?" Sakuya asked. There was no response. Suddenly, the lights went back on, and Sakuya saw that not only a mess has been made in the Scarlet Mansion, but Remilia has gone missing as well. "My Mistress, where did you go?" there was no response. And then Sakuya found a letter lying on the chair that Remilia was sitting on, and it was for Sakuya.

_**Dear Sakuya Izayoi**_

_**The author of this fan fic wants me to fight you for some reason, but I needed a way to motivate you to fight me, so I beat up the gate keeper (and took a picture of her boobs), shut off the mansion's power, sneaked into the mansion, break things because it's fun, and kidnap your precious mistress. If you want Remilia back, come to the warehouse that is over nine thousand miles away (It's the red one that says CHIMICHANGA). I'll be waiting for you there.**_

_**From yours truly, Deadpool**_

Sakuya feels anger, and is determined to get her mistress back. Sakuya leaves the mansion and heads off to the warehouse that Deadpool is at.

Meanwhile at the warehouse, Deadpool has Remilia tied up, and a duck tape covering her mouth. "Aw, look at the almighty loli vampire tied up in this warehouse of awesome. You're just waiting for your maid to show up, aren't you? Oh, check out this pic of Meiling's boobs I took. Damn, they look GREAT! It's too bad ZUN can't draw boobies himself because he's such a crappy artist! That is why fan art exist. They fix EVERYTHING! I even have fans that draw me, but I'm super mega ultra jealous of how much Touhou fanart there is on the internet. There should be me more fanarts of me because everyone LOVES ME and LOVES hearing me talking! What do you have to say little miss vampire loli?"

And so Deadpool briefly takes the tape off of Remilia. "Go to hell you assassin spider-man wannabe-ARG!" Deadpool put the tape back on Remilia.

"I'm sorry, but did you just call me a Spider-Man wannabe? Because I can ensure you that I am SUPER MEGA ULTRA WAY cooler than Spidey. Spidey is just some guy who wishes he had a bigger mouth than mine, but my mouth is the best there is!"

And then Sakuya Izayoi showed up and saw Deadpool speaking to the Damsel in Distress Remilia. "Unhand my mistress!" said Sakuya.

"Well, it looks like the Elegant Maid herself has finally showed up." said Deadpool. "Are you going to knife me in the head? Because that won't kill me! Why? Because I have healing factor just like that Wolverine guy who appears in everything! And speaking of everything, I heard that if it exist, a crossover with Touhou must exist because Touhou crossovers with like EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD! And right now, you're crossing over with me, Deadpool, The Merc with a Mouth!"

"Are you breaking the fourth wall?" Sakuya asked.

"Oh yes I am!" said Deadpool. "I just love breaking the fourth wall! As you can see right now, we're in a fan fiction written by the most amazing writer ever, InsaneBird91. He has written some of the best stories of all time, such as Cordelia gets Chrom, the Invisible Shield, Kyoko eats EVERYTHING (Spoilers, she ate all of Gensokyo), and my personal favorite, YANDERE SUMIA, especially because it shows the dark side of such a rather sweet innocent girl who's not so innocent. Nice people aren't always nice you know, and I know you have your anger side as well Sakuya. It's a shame the author never finished Super Mega Ultra Awesome Fan Fic, and Madoka Crisis Magica because I wanted to see what happened next. Also, since this is a fan fic, we're seeing a bunch of words right now. Also, **now I am speaking in bold, but wait, **_I just changed to italic! __**Now I am speaking in bold and italic, just like in the letter I wrote to you.**_ Now I am speaking in plain text again. It's too bad my yellow text bubble can't show up in fan fic form, because otherwise, that would be so great! Someone should do like, a dramatic reading of this story with epic music, or better yet, make a comic adaption of it, or even a live action adaption. Any of those would be so damn super mega ultra fucking awesome, and I would give anyone bullets that taste like chicken if they do any of those!"

"Enough talk!" said Sakuya. "Now unhand my mistress, or else I'll make you unhand her by force.

"I'm sorry miss maid lady, but I can't simply hand you your little miss vampire loli just yet." said Deadpool. "If you win, I'll hand your mistress to you. But if I win, you have to make out with Hong Meiling, if you live that is! Deal?"

"All I care about is getting my mistress back, and if I have to fight you to get her back, then I shall do so." said Sakuya.

"I'll take that as a yes." said Deadpool. "Now it's fighty fight time! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!"

And so the fight finally began. Deadpool took out his guns, and fires them while saying, "BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!" but Sakuya is dodging the bullets.

"I know you're using your Dio Brando time stop bullshit power to dodge those bul-AHHHHH!" Deadpool quickly dodges a knife thrown by Sakuya. "You missed me, maid lady!" but then a knife hit Deadpool's head. "Ouch!" said Deadpool. Deadppol then took the knife out of his head.

Sakuya then approaches Deadpool close in melee range, and swings her knife, only to be blocked by Deadpool's katana. Deadpool and Sakuya swing and hit their weapons at each other again and again and again. Then they get into the position where their weapons push against each other while the wielders look at each other eye to eye. Then Deadpool pulled out his gun and said, "SURPISE!" Deadpool fired his gun, but missed, as Sakuya seem to have disappeared.

"That's strange! She was there just seconds ago." Deadpool turned around, saw Sakuya and screamed like a girl. "DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT YOU SCARY MAID LADY!" Then Deadpool swinged his katana, but missed Sakuya again. Deadpool turned around and saw Sakuya again. He tried to cut her again, but missed again.

"Seriously Sakuya, enough of your time stop teleportation bullshit already! It's seriously making me super mega ultra pissed." Then suddenly, a bunch of knives surrounded Deadpool. "EEP!" the knives then hit Deadpool and Deadpool collapsed.

"That takes care of that loud mouth merc. Now I should untie Remilia and get out of here." said Sakuya.

But then Deadpool got up and said, "SURPRISE BITCH! I'M, STILL ALIVE!" Deadpool is still alive.

"Impossible! You shouldn't have survived getting hit by that many knives." said Sakuya.

"Did you not listen to what I said earlier? I have healing factor, meaning I can't die. No matter how many knives you stab me with, I won't die." said Deadpool as he takes the knives out of his body.

"Looks like defeating you will be tougher than I thought." said Sakuya.

"Oh hell yes it will!" said Deadpool. "Also, you should pads to make your boobs look bigger!"

"Do not mention lame jokes from the Touhou fandom!" said Sakuya.

Then Deadpool managed to land a strike on Sakuya with his katana and knock her into a stack of boxes.

"Oh yes, I finally got a hit on you, maid lady." said Deadpool. "Looks like angering you with pad jokes works."

Sakuya got up with a cut mark showing blood on her face.

"PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS! PADS!" Deadpool continued to provoke Sakuya by saying pads, while Sakuya threw her knives angrily. Deadpool dodged the knives as quick as he can. Then Deadpool got up close to Sakuya's face.

"I see you're really angry now, Sakuya. Have a taste of DEADPOOL PAWNCH!" Deadpool punched Sakuya in the face.

"You have gone too far!" said Sakuya

Sakuya tried to slash Deadpool with her knive, but missed. Deadpool then punches and kicks Sakuya multiple times before knocking her onto the ground. Deadpool then pointed his gun towards Sakuya. Deadpool triggered his gun, but Sakuya rolled and dodged the shot. Sakuya then kicked Deadpool by the knees, causing him to fall. Sakuya then got up. Deadpool took his gun and fired it, but missed Sakuya. Sakuya then appeared behind Deadpool. Sakuya swinged her knife, but Deadpool dodged it. Deadpool then swinged his katana, but Sakuya blocked it with her knife. They swing and hit each other's weapons again, while also landing some hits on each other. Deadpool then grabed Sakuya by the head, and repeatedly hits her with his knee. And then one hard hit with his knee knocked Sakuya onto the ground.

"Just admit it, you can't beat me!" said Deadpool. "You can't even beat your dear little mistress, and guess what? I KIDNAPPED HER! Sakuya Izayoi isn't even your real name. It's a name given by your little precious vampire loli mistress. Now do you realize how weak you are?"

Deadpool's words just make Sakuya mad. Sakuya makes breathing noises while slowly getting up.

"Are you going to continue fighting for your mistress, and or just admit defeat?" Deadpool asked.

Sakuya got up completely now, and suddenly, she is now calm.

"You know what? You're right! If you can kidnap the one who defeated me, then I can't beat you." said Sakuya.

"BOO YEAH!" Deadpool shouted. "So, are you ready to admit defeat?"

"Before I say so, I just want to say…LOOK OVER THERE, YUKARI, YUUKA, AND YUYUKO ARE HAVING A THREESOME!" Sakuya shouted.

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that!" but then a bunch of orgy sounded noises are being made. "Or maybe you're not lying after all." Deadpool turns around only to find a tape recorder playing orgy making noises from a tape. "That maid bitch tricked me! I bet this has something to do with her time…stop…abilities?" Deadpool suddenly realized that he is being covered by a big shadow. Deadpool looked up and saw a steam roller above him. "Oh shit!" said Deadpool.

"ROAD ROLLER DA!" Sakuya shouted as she lands the steam roller on Deadpool. Sakuya laughs. Then Sakuya yelled "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!" while hitting the steam roller multiple times. Sakuya then yelled "WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" and landed one last hit on the steam roller.

Sakuya got off the steam roller, and the Steam roller exploded, which exploded Deadpool into a million pieces, leaving him with only his head. Sakuya cuts the rope off of Remilia and takes the tape off.

"Mistress, you free now." said Sakuya.

"Thank you very much Sakuya, and those are such nice fires you put out there." said Remilia.

Sakuya and Remilia then noticed that Deadpool is still alive with just his head.

"Hey girls, can you help a talking head here? Because a talking is nothing without his body." said Deadpool.

"What do you think we should do with Deadpool's head?" Sakuya asked.

"I have a brilliant and fitting punishment for this talking head." said Remilia.

Later, back at the Scarlet Mansion, Sakuya serves her mistress with a bowl of Count Chocula, WITH BLOOD!

"Today has been one strange and rough day." said Sakuya.

"I wonder what Flandre thinks of her new toy?" Remilia wondered.

Meanwhile, in the basement, Deadpool's mere head is locked down there with Flandre.

"So you're that vampire loli's younger sister who's always locked down here." said Deadpool.

"Yes I am, Mister Talking Head!" said Flandre. "She locked me down here because she said that I am too dangerous for the real world, but I know she loves me and wants to keep me safe. So what kinds of things do you like mister talking head?"

"I like boobies!" said Deadpool.

"What are boobies?" Flandre asked.

THE END


End file.
